It’s Okay Not to Be Okay

Honestly…

I haven’t been okay lately.

I was so proud, excited, and in awe when I launched this blog last month.
Proud that I did it even though I was absolutely terrified.
Excited to be sharing my honesty and making place for the honesty of others on a new platform.
In awe of the encouragement and positive responses from so many people. I felt absolutely amazing…

And then, I crashed.

I started feeling a little off - physically - at the beginning of last month, and that feeling ended up progressing into what has become one of the most frustrating medical experiences of my life.
I can’t say the most frustrating; number one on that list is definitely having multiple miscarriages.
But this sits right below that on my list.

It’s absolutely crazy how things can creep up, sweep the entire rug from underneath your feet, and leave you feeling as if there’s no light at the end of the tunnel. One day you’re living in your own personal version of normal, and the next you’re flat on your ass not knowing when things will ever get back to the way they were.

Health issues are H I G H - U P on the list of things that sneak up and knock the entire wind out of you.
We come into this world with this funny automatic trust and confidence in our bodies.
Expecting that they will always work and function the way they need to as long as we do the basic things like eating right, exercising, and staying away from physical danger.
The realization that that’s not necessarily the case tends to come when we’re older and become aware of the fact that, despite our best efforts, some things are entirely out of our control.

I’ve been to the hospital twice (and admitted once) in the last month with the worst pain I’ve ever felt, only to be told by six different doctors that no one knew what was wrong with me.

I’ve been told by one of my doctors that, despite it being her job to help me find out and treat what’s wrong, she’s not going to see me and sent on my happy way with her “hopes that I feel better soon”.

I’ve been in severe pain, nauseous like it’s nobody’s business, throwing up a hungover college freshman,
tired like I’ve ran a marathon, and left feeling defeated that this won’t get any better.

Lately, I’ve been LOW.

Funny thing is, aside from the pain, the hardest thing for me has been not being able (or not having enough energy) to function at my typical normal, and feeling incredibly guilty for being close to useless in my household.

I haven’t been keeping up with the cooking, the chores, the appointments, and my work like usual.

I’ve been forgetful and frustrated at myself for not remembering things I should.

My email inbox has looked a mess with all the unread messages I haven’t checked.

I’ve been physically and emotionally depleted on most days.

I’m so tentative and hesitant with my body, because I’m afraid of having another pain flare-up or vomiting episode at any moment and being knocked back on my ass.

I have not been okay.
And I hate it.

But, that’s okay.
To not be okay.
It feels wrong. It feels depressing. It feels guilty.

But it’s not. It’s okay.

We’re humans, not robots.
Even though it doesn’t seem like that and we’re not actively aware or thinking of it like that, it’s the truth.
We’re human - flawed and faulty to some degree, because we can’t be any other way.

Our bodies aren’t machines that are going to run at maximum capacity every single day.

Our minds aren’t magic 8 balls that are always going to know the exact right answer to every question or know the exact right thing to do in every situation.

Our relationships aren’t beautiful plastic plants that look perfect from all angles, drenched in golden sunlight.

Life is amazing when things are going exactly right,
but I think we all know that life very rarely goes exactly right.

It’s messy. Complicated. Murky. Sometimes, it’s plain ugly.
We can’t be expected to always be okay when life isn’t always okay.
There’s no shame in that (even though we feel alllll the shame in that).

If you can’t keep up with the dishes or laundry today, that’s okay.

If you don’t have 100% of your energy to give at work today, that’s okay.

If you need a day to yourself and you can’t play with your kids or be right under your partner, that’s okay.

If you feel like you need to scream, that’s okay.

If you feel like you need to cry, that’s okay.

If you feel like you have absolutely nothing left in you, that’s okay.

Because, just based off of the fact that you’re still here, reading this,
breathing, living, trying to figure out a way to keep going and give life the best you can,

you’re doing MORE than okay.

You’re being phenomenal. A rockstar. A pusher. A fighter.

It’s okay not to be okay.

For as long as you need. For as long as it takes.

I’m right there with you. ♥